Since my last blog I wrote about my first experience of Ramadan since from then on out and even before hand has been a long struggle of heartache and drama. I found out I was pregnant a few days Ramadan had started for those who have known me know that my relationship hasn't been a very rosy start here in Saudi Arabia due a lot of lack of communication and understanding from one another, to the point it caused us to literally come to the point of separation from all the fighting I felt resistant towards my husband I couldn't stand him and couldn't wait to get away from him we fell so far apart from one another I had went back to America an plan to just stay there and never return everything fell apart so bad that I had stopped literally praying.
I did how ever return to America it was the most bitter sweet moment I can ever hold on to that I wish I could just always rewind and go back to when I feel lonely, leaving Saudi Arabia was hard because 1.I had to leave my children and that was extremely tough on me many may criticize the fact that I left to America leaving my kids behind because of all the problems but you know what they don't know what was going on so what they think and feel doesn't phase me a bit everything became such a blur in my life that I felt I could no longer think my head was so clouded with all the mess that it just became such a toxic environment that I needed the break from my kids and my marriage so I could just finally think and just relax. Leaving the airport in Saudi Arabia was hard the last moments with my kids I remember walking to leave to get my passport stamped to exit saudi Arabia and I can hear my son Sultan saying "Mama, don't leave me here" broke my heart I could not help but fight the tears but let them flow as I got onto the airplane but all in the end the space I had was the medicine that I needed....
The 14 hour flight back home was worth every second and hour just to see my mom and wrap my hands around her and to hold and smell her to tell her how much I loved and missed her I held her so tight that I can still feel her warmth. that was just the icing on the cake the most beautiful moment is that nether of my sisters knew that I was coming home so when arriving home my baby sister who I am very much close to she came to the side of the car to get her daughter she didn't know I was in the back the expression on her face will always be implanted in my memory and heart I held her and she held me so tight crying like best friends have been torn apart for years. I stayed with my family for a good long month which was really the medicine that I really needed from all the heartache from Saudi we had so much fun together.
My sisters an family we spent as much time together as we could a month goes by so quickly. My sister and I we enjoyed a sister day in Toledo Ohio which is where I used to live when living before it was nice to be back home and around people you knew we had a nice lunch and shopping spree at the mall I used to work at. My mom an I we got to tour one of the candy factories in my home town called "spanglers" they're known for there lolipops called "dum dum pops, and candy canes" and many other candies that I didn't know that they made, it was nice to be able to see a piece of history from where you come from from all the years I lived in my hometown you could always smell the sweet smell of the lolipops being cooked throughout the town I still have a nice supply of candy canes :) thanks mom! lol. before leaving home we all had a final dinner together at a restaurant called Buffalo wild wings I think its called that was fun not so much the part where they told everyone it was my birthday I had a bunch of people circling my table and realizing what was going on I think I ducked my head so low to the table I think it was almost under the table from embarrassment lol but it was a lot of fun I enjoyed every moment of it then my 2 sisters and I we went to go watch a movie called "bad grandpa" note: don't watch it the name speaks for its-self its bad lol!!! but the sister bonding time was really nice especially the night before I had to leave America to return to Saudi Arabia...
leaving America and my family and only keeping the memories we made while staying home was such a bitter sweet moment and at the same time enjoyable while we sat together waiting for me to depart.... arriving at the airport was a nice little ride, learning about the overweight charges of my bags I think I still left part of my stomach back home with the shock of the price, they wanted 400.00 for over weight fees I looked at my mom in disbelief and sadness in the end I ended up taking out a bunch of stuff from my bags and left it back home to be sent back to me in Saudi Arabia so in the end it worked out I only had to pay 100.00 extra for the second back I already knew it was going to be a long flight back home I had to catch 2 other planes prior to the one I was getting on and then get on another one later the night I arrived to Saudi Arabia and then another the next night. while waiting for me to leave my sisters and I enjoyed taking multiple pictures of each other an enjoying the last moments we had together it was such a painful heartbreaking moment when It came to the time of leaving I miss them all so much I hugged everyone but hugged my baby sister last it was like dying and saying goodbye I love and miss her so much well all of my family I miss them more then they'll ever know....
Coming back to Saudi Arabia was a happy and kind of an uncertain journey of what to expect, I still didn't know if I wanted to continue my relationship in my marriage I knew I wanted to be with my kids I missed them so much but sometimes I wondered if maybe my kids would be better without me since I have so many episodes of anger,and depression an many times I don't know how to deal with it an they pay the price of not having there mommy taking care of them the way they deserve I feel bad and still do and think many times I'm just an awful mother... seeing my kids after a month was a very enjoyable moment I had missed them so much and was so excited to see there faces light up when they seen all the stuff I brought back for them from America.
.jpg)
0 comments:
Post a Comment