What's In a dream?

What’s in a dream?

Is it wrong to look to dreams as a form of guidance?? Is it wrong to depend on dreams in what we should look for in life? Some people are deep dreamers some may not have dreams at all or don’t even sit and think about their meanings…as for me I would consider myself a deep dreamer and sometimes I depend on those dreams a lot as a message from Allah that be patient there is more to see..

Sometimes I dream of things that I’ve never seen before but actually exist:

Dream 1: Before becoming a Muslim the day before 9/11 I had a dream of being in front of a black cube and a man had come to me and said, I would like to invite you to Islam at this moment I didn’t think anything until the next day the terrorist attack of 9/11 happened and I hated islam but I kept having dream after dream of Islam to the point I ended up researching Islam and then reverting September 12,2002 after my reversion to Islam the man who gave me shahada told me not please take shower and go to sleep and you should wake up refreshed and learn the prayers as you soon as you can. I did as instructed but that night I had the same dream I did in the beginning of being in front of the black cube but come to find out that black cube was the Kabba in Makkah and at this time in the dream I was surrounded by many Muslims and the same man approached me with a smile and said “Masha’allah sister you’re on the right path” after waking up I felt like something had lifted from me and I felt so light...

Dream 2: I had dreamed of flying into the airport the time of day was ether early morning or perhaps in the afternoon in this dream I was flying with a man and a lady I did not see ether of their faces but I remember the voices and the man knew my name for the longest time I didn’t know which airport I was seeing the runway had palm trees nearby and was an empty desert near I remember asking my husband a while back about which airport he had flew out of he mentioned he had flown out of the Dammam Airport, I had googled the airport and subhan’allah the exact description was the Dammam Airport but my confusion when I flew to Saudi Arabia the first time I landed in Jeddah so this dream to me tells me that the person who was flying with me was not my husband now but I fully believe who is my husband in the future and who is the mystery woman ? I don’t know!!!

Dream 3: as I became pretty close to Saudis and wanting to come to Saudi Arabia the dreams of Saudi Arabia increased many of these dreams I felt happy so when people would say to me “You’re a woman what makes you think you’ll be happy there” I’d always tell them every time I have dreams of being there I’m always happy I feel that Allah is telling me when I’m there I’ll be fine and I’ll be at peace… In the same time  I had dreamt of a long bridge surrounding big bodies of water I remember asking a friend who lived in Riyadh at the time I asked him is there a long bridge in Saudi Arabia that is surrounded by water I described the bridge in detail from my dream he told me to stop and told me “that’s the bridge from Bahrain to Saudi Arabia “

Dream 4: This type of dream I’m going to describe some would say keep to yourself but I felt it had deep meaning and had to find out before I had married my current husband now I had dreamt of 3 yellow baby cobras, In the dream I remember calling for someone to come help me with them because I didn’t know what to do with them in the end of the dream a man came “ I don’t know who it is and not It’s not my husband” he took the snakes and they had been killed the man said to me now insha’allah everything will be fine. I had a few different interpretations some said 3 enemies or 3 problems 2 of the problems have already occurred the 3^rd problem has not or I’m already in the 3^rd problem and the solution hasn’t come yet.

Dream 5: A while back while still in America I have often struggled with my prayers but from time to time I was normally on time with my prayers but at one moment in my life I had struggled and stopped praying I had dreamt of a Masjid at the time I had thought it was in Egypt.  I had described the dream as the athan was going off and I’m walking by and there are tables where you can eat at nearby I never thought anything of the dream except a message from Allah to remind me to keep up with my prayers a few months ago my husband took me to this shopping area that has many stores and it was the prayer time and we had went outside in this area I told my husband this masjid looks so familiar it looks like the one in my dream accept the one in my dream was surrounded by dining tables to sit at as we turned the corner to our destination there where the dining tables in front of the masjid I honestly froze I didn’t know what to think at this moment but other than Subhan’allah in how strong dreams can be and is it wrong to believe in them or rely on them, because so far everything I have dreamt of being here in Saudi Arabia I have seen them all but 2 of the dreams in the reality…

The masjid from my dream

So is it wrong to depend on dreams? I don’t know but I trust these dreams as a form of guidance I think we dream of things for a reason sometimes a warning, sometimes a message some dreams are meant to be shared some are meant to keep secret in the end dreams are special and sometimes a very important message from Allah…

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Why would an American woman would want to live in Saudi Arabia?

Many ask what would cause an American woman to move to such a conservative country like Saudi Arabia. Many say women don’t have rights and are treated like second class… I used to think so too before I became Muslim and before I met my previous Saudi friends watching them and observing them made me curious and made me want to know more and influenced me so much to move here and to live among the Saudi community!

So the root of the reason why?? My story is personal and most say you should keep such things private and to yourself, but why? Because it’s considered a taboo or I should be ashamed of what happened to me?  For those who know me personally know my past for those who don’t you will after you read my story think as you wish after words but don’t judge me after you know my reason.

Years ago I was adopted by a man who is my step father someone to protect me and love me, instead he betrayed me and hurt me and damaged me permanently, From the age of 2 reports of it happening before the age of 2 until 9 years old I was sexually molested tortured to keep silent and threatened to have my mother killed and starved so I kept silent.

 luckily I got out of that situation another person who had come into my life who was also supposed to protect me I told him what happened I spent a long time in a hospital to get help I was really sick for a long time I tried to commit suicide at the age 9, after my long stay in the hospital I got better.. as time went the person I had trusted betrayed me to by molesting me also not as badly as the other person but I trusted him and he did the same and that person would continuously beat up my mother I then learned at a young age of the destruction of Alcohol.  I eventually told my school teacher what happened only because my teacher found suicidal notes in my bag and contacted the school counselor, after this point I spent almost a year in a mental hospital for treatment for the things that happened and to help convince me to want to live in this toxic world.  

 I was released but I felt unsafe without being in the hospital in the hospital I felt safe I had people to talk to me people to listen to me and people who made me believe that I had a reason to live I still didn’t understand why I had to live and what was my purpose so I ended up overdosing on prescription pills I was giving to help depression, and sleep, and anxiety and a few other pills (anti depressants’ increase the thoughts of suicide) so without any reason I took all the pills I had so I could return back to the hospitals I felt so safe in I had ran away from the private school I had attended for special need kids like me who had mental health issues and ran away to my home where the police eventually found me and took me to the hospital to clean my stomach from the pills, and then later on turned over to another hospital to stay in I stayed for a good 5-6 months I felt sad alone but I felt safe, as time progressed I started to get better and they wanted to released me I remember this moment so well I didn’t want to leave I cried so much that one of the staff members in the hospital held me and let me cry in her arms I didn’t want to leave and she assured me if I felt something bad or scared to call and ask for her and I could talk to her and I felt relieved after that to know I had someone to talk to.

After my release from the hospital I had become acquainted with a policeman I liked him so much he was kind and encouraging to the point he influenced me to want to help others and to also become a police officer, as time grew I grew feelings for him I was 15 and felt safe and a relationship grew between us I didn’t think it was wrong because I thought it was okay I let it happened at same time I knew it was wrong until investigators came to my house questioning our relationship I denied them because I felt I was protecting him and he liked me, only to find out he was after other ladies my age too I felt betrayed and crushed why would he do that to me? I then became friends with friends where I experienced with different drugs alcohol I drank heavily at that age I started drinking earlier on but it got worse at this time to the point I had gotten into a fight with my mother and then was later arrested at this time it was a turning point to straighten up.

I then became Christian and then became curious with different religions and cultures I was easily influenced at the same time I was very curious and never let anything stop me from learning what I wanted…

I admit I had a very bad image of Islam and Saudi Arabia until I met the ones I met in 2004 as I stated before they influenced me to the point I wanted to move to Saudi Arabia, why you ask??? After the things I had went through I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, boarder line personality disorder, clinical depression and society isn’t always kind to people with mental health issues ether they drug you up with pills or they make you feel like there is something wrong with you or make you feel stupid by putting you in lower levels of class in school and after I became Muslim a lot of my family cut me off some of them not even accepting my children because I’m Muslim.

when I met my Saudi friends they accepted me they didn’t treat me like I was stupid when some of them knew what happened in my past they became protective of me they became the family and the security I had been needing when I asked them what is the punishment for people who rape or molest in Saudi Arabia because in America we think the victim is the one who gets punished they told me those people who commit a crime are executed!  I remember opening up to the one friend thinking what is wrong with me for these things to happen he told me nothing is wrong with you Allah allowed these things to happen to strengthen you and look where you become now, you’re Muslim.

 One of many reasons why I wanted to move to Saudi Arabia is for #1. To start a new fresh life leaving my nightmare past to get away from it. #2. For once in my life my Saudi friends gave me a reason to want to live Allah sent these people in my life for a reason #3 I felt safe around Saudi people…

 Don’t get me wrong I know there are assholes everywhere I have met my fair share here but I have never felt more safe and accepted and loved and appreciated then I have here in Saudi Arabia and by the Saudi people!  They have loved and encouraged me accepted me and helped me in any way that they can or able to that I feel like meeting my Saudi friends saved my life Allah saved my life by bringing me to Saudi Arabia because I know no one here would let anything happen to me from my friends to the government this is one of the main reasons why I love Saudi Arabia with all my heart, Is it the place for everyone? No! but it’s the ideal place for any true Muslim!

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My struggles and lessons

Still the question always remains in what have Saudis have done to help me or why do I love them so much and mostly what have I learned from them from the experience in Saudi for 3 years?

From meeting my first Saudi friends in 2004 learning in how kind these people are I made it my personal mission to learn everything about Saudi people and culture and to show the world the good things about them everything good! The negative? We all have them but people seem to excuse all the good and focus on the bad only!  

When I met my Saudi friends years ago I was kind of a mess I didn’t have respect for my mom or myself after spending my time with Saudis I always admired their relationship with their parents something I always wanted with mine but was always a gap between our relationship ether from our differences or just being a rebellious brat I remember one time talking to an old Saudi friend and told him about an experience of being arrested years ago for fighting my mom, the look on his face towards me was the face of disgust in how could you harm your own mother after all she has done for you and you know what he was right! 

  My mother had stood by my side through some very dark times in my life and how did I pay her back by not respecting her, I know that respecting the parents is a huge foundation in Islam but I have never seen it done like how Saudis do it! They practically almost worship their parents to the point if you’re a foreigner marrying into a Saudi family you may feel very jealous but this is something that they have taught me one of the major things that they taught me is to take care of your parents and forget the bad things they have done because we’re not perfect ether.

So what else have they taught me besides bad habits? Lol I’m a firm believer that Allah sends each person in your life for a reason ether for a lesson or someone to help guide you. For some of those who know me I have been struggling with my prayers for quite some time sometimes I pray one prayer sometimes two or three sometimes none at all each person I have come across they always tell me whatever your struggle your facing no one will ever listen to you the way you want but Allah tell him whatever you want cry to him he hears you and he cares about you and I was always in doubt of praying because I was told that the things I have requested you can’t ask that in a prayer  and I asked a friend I asked her what if what I want is a divorce? She said a divorce isn’t haram if your unhappy tell Allah that and insha’allah you will be granted with what you want and may Allah make it easy for you! Sometimes it takes the right words to help generate a person’s mind in to restart something good.

You may ask are you really going through divorce. Insha’Allah yes! Is it what I planned, no! but you know sometimes you realize that the perfect picture in the beginning wasn’t perfect at all and no Saudi Arabia isn’t the issue at all I absolutely adore it here and will do everything I can to try to stay to live here and to be with my kids many say stay for your kids and I think this is a selfish thing to say! Especially when you don’t know what that person is going through and as someone who had parents always fighting I can tell you it’s better to have 2 separate homes then one home that is always fighting!!! So those who been following me wondering why I haven’t been blogging much this is major reason why because it’s been a rough depressing road!

 How has living in Saudi Arabia been for the 3 years that I have been here??? Well it’s had its rough and amazing times rough meaning my personal life but living here well it’s not for everyone. Everyone asks me how was the culture shock when you came to Saudi Arabia? I think for the fact I had many Saudi friends prepare me for how the life was here I didn’t have much culture shock at all! When I’ve visited Bahrain, Dubai, or back to America is when the culture shock sunk in because for one in Bahrain and UAE.  Women are allowed to drive, everything is very westernized to accustom the foreign people who live there also men and women mingling side by side the stores not closing during the prayer time while music is still playing I think I’ve gotten so used to the Saudi life that everything else felt so odd I know your probably thinking strange American you should feel much more relaxed lol I did but I felt more comfortable with the conservative lifestyle, as I have told many people Dubai and Bahrain are nice to visit but not for living I feel like these places are not very family oriented where Saudi Arabia is very family friendly and tries their hardest to stay along the Islamic ways of life it’s the best place for me and for my kids to live I want them to be in touch with their roots and their culture and Islam more than anything else so that way when they go to other countries they will be grateful to their life in Saudi Arabia…

Living here in Saudi Arabia I have had the honor to see so many things happen here from a community coming together for a marriage, a new baby, or a death in the family. My father in law unfortunately passed away a few months ago and I see so many people come together from our neighbors to strangers coming to pray for someone they don’t know. My previous neighbors I had when I lived in Jeddah Saudi Arabia after I had my last son they took care of me as if I was their daughter! They brought food offered to care for the home to watch the kids even, I have never met people like this before not even in America would you find like these people.   When you have Islam in your heart and the right teachings and a good rich community I don’t mean rich in money I mean rich in morals, and respect for one another the saying it takes a village to raise a child that’s the way it is here!

 As I said Saudi Arabia is not for everyone I know personal friends who may struggle here even I struggle here as I look for work without a degree but I am hopeful that Insha’Allah I will find something I have faith in Allah that he brought me here and he will not let me leave here I will live here until I die insha’allah I hope and pray that anyone who has a dream to come to Saudi Arabia please don’t give up on this dream go for it and never stop until you get it!!!

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First Fasting in Saudi Arabia

It's been quite a long time since I have blogged, and I apologize to anyone who has been following me and waiting for so long life happens and just got caught up in it...

So it is Ramadan right now we have a week left to go until Eid, and I'm sad that Ramadan is ending. This is actually my first Ramadan to be able to fast here in Saudi Arabia the first 2 years being here I was pregnant and always sick, then the following here was nursing my son so this was my first fasting here in the country and it has been such an amazing experience I wish others get the chance to experience.

all though this isn't my first Ramadan as a Muslim I have fasted many times before in America and it has is positive benefits too others eat around you, your co-workers ask questions about the fasting month many raise their eyebrow in surprise and ask " You can't eat or drink for a whole month" and you get to give dawah so its a win win actually you fast and you gain hassanat by teaching others at the same time its not the same when you fast in a Muslim country. 

These days it's pretty humid and hot around 105 degrees at the moment that's 42 celcius and going out in this humid heat it is hard to fast and you see people working so hard in this heat and not being able to eat or drink to replenish their energy, most times many people will sleep throughout the day at least until the asr prayer which is the 3rd prayer of our 5 daily prayers while most women are preparing iftar for the breaking fast meal.

it's the most beautiful feeling to be in a country of other Muslims who are fasting with you everyone waiting for the athan *Call of prayer* to take a drink of water and eat dates then moving on to eating, some people will break their fast on just dates and water then go to the Masjid (Mosque) then return home then eat the prepared iftar because if you eat to much before prayer its not very comfortable to bend up and down on a full stomach after relaxing and after meal time most will enjoin in good conversation or go out because a lot of the shopping centers are closed during the day time for the fasting including restaurants and of acourse grocery stores are always open but from my experience going out in this times are some of the feel good vibes I love the most everyone is out,and full and has their regained energy and many of us will end up at a nice resturant or the mall food court ordering food for suhoor *meal before fasting*.


 I really wish I could submit my feelings into this blog in how happy it makes me feel to be here fasting with other Muslims especially in Saudi Arabia fasting in genreal is amazing but when a whole country is doing it with you its an amazing experience especially hearing qur'an recitations throughout the cities my first fasting ramadan here has really impacted my heart in such a good way that I am so content to where I am and could not imagine another place to live in to be as I am.

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My Journey to Islam ...

My Journey to Islam

Hi, My name is Autumn I’m also known as  Sahar! I was born August 17,1983 In Bryan Ohio, Born to my single mother  Debbie Clauson. I grew up most of my life in Ohio I was a raised Christian in the Church of Christ, I always went to church with my mom, I grew up singing songs praising Jesus known to me then as the Son of God and praising him for dying for our sin. I really enjoyed those times going to church going to youth groups, camps among other Christian teens and children learning about the word of God!

Being raised Christian was easy I could do whatever I want and all I needed to do is pray to Jesus to forgive my sins! But something that I never understood Is why do I have to pray to Jesus to forgive my sins in order to get to God? I remember asking my mom and other people, and they would tell me you cannot question what God says you have to accept it women are not allowed to speak out in the church during services so I never asked anymore after that but there was always that wonder of why and so many other questions I had to ask but I wasn’t allowed to ask and when I did ask I was left more confused before I asked, Like Where did God Come from?, Why do I have to Pray to Jesus in order to get to God why can’t I talk to him directly? Why would someone else pay for my sins that I committed, and most of all how does God die? And God, Jesus, holy spirit =1?.

  As I got older my independents grew and choosing my own life style and ways also grew! I was learning about different things about cultures, Religion, life styles, Political senesce. And I was very curious to where I fit in and what made sense! So I started with Religion. I never knew there were so many different religions but I thought ok Jesus was a Jew so I will start with learning about that. And thought Is Autumn a Jew? But when I asked other Jews about Judaism and how I can become a Jew they told me I could not I had to be born a Jew so I then knew that Autumn was not meant to be a Jew.

 I then came to other beliefs such as Satanic or Wicca and I was drawn to it but didn’t know the dangers of it! A friend of mine I went to school with was into Wicca and satanic worship and she had what they called the Satanic bible as I read I was curious to know more I unfortunately cannot remember what was read and really don’t want to remember all I remember about learning about that is going to sleep and seeing a dark shadow in my closet telling me to come to him, and my friend told me that It was Satan telling me to come to him after that I had no desire to learn more about religion!.

In the year of 2001 I became pretty distant and not sure on what to do with my life I worked, went to school came home and that was pretty much it. I watched my sisters tried to help my mom out as much as I could and felt that I wasn’t going anywhere, in sorting out what type of life am I going to live!  I suddenly started to have weird dreams that I didn’t know what they meant I then had a dream. I was standing in front of a black cube and a man had come to me and said I want to invite you to Islam, after that dream I ignored it until September 11th happened. After that I remembered the dream and was like I don’t want to be a part of a religion that kills innocent people I was planning to go into the U.S. Army  I had already taking my tests to join all I needed to do is take my final test and sign on the dotted line and I was in after 9/11 It was the encouragment ! then at work one day I had become friends with a person who was from Iran I didn’t care much of him because of what I was seeing and hearing on T.V. and I remember him saying don’t believe everything you hear on the T.V. it’s not what it always seems! And I remember saying to him “of course you would say that your one of them”. After 9/11 I kept having dreams about Islam things I had no idea what they were about I tried to ignore them but I couldn’t! So I decided ok the media is saying Islam is so horrible and I wanted to see what was so horrible about this religion! So I finally had access to a computer at school and my mom had gotten us a computer for the home so I went to chat rooms asking about Islam and I remember thinking to myself  I’m going to be a good Christian and lead Muslims to Christianity! But when it came to debates I could never answer their questions but they were able to answer all the questions I had as a Christian from explaining to me that only Allah can forgive your sins not a man and remember him asking me how does God die?!  after these talks I became confused on what to believe because all I knew was what I grew up on learning in Christianity.

 I had kept getting these dreams about Islam and they just would not go away and I knew that Islam was not what it appeared to be talked about on the T.V. 1 year later after 9.11  on September 12th 2002 I remember it was at night and I was in a chat room on Aol at the time it was called Koran and I remember saying I want to become Muslim but I don’t know what to do. And a woman had messaged me and said if you want to become Muslim I can help you and said I need ur number so that I can call you and have the Iman talk with you and I said ok.  I gave her my number my heart beat so heavily waiting for her call and she called me and said this is the Imam he will talk to you from here and he explained to me the 5 pillars of Islam and what is expected of me to be a Muslim and asked me do you still believe and want to be Muslim, and I said Yes. And he said to repeat after me “Ash hadu lailaha Illallah wa ashadu ana muhamadan rasullilah” and then had me say it again n English “I bear witness that there is no God but God and Muhammad is his messenger” and he then after that had said to me sister you are now Muslim and from here on out you have no sins you are clean as the day you are born and I suggest you to take a shower and sleep! I did as he advised when I had slept I had another dream that night this time I was in front of the same black cube I had dreamed of before and the man i had seen in the dream approached me and smiled to me masha’allah sister welcome after that dream I had woke up and I had felt as if something had lifted from me I felt so different and at peace.

Ever since that day I have studied so hard and read and learned so much on how much dedication and commitment it takes to be a Muslim. Throughout the years I have met so many different people from different countries that have helped me become the person I am today.  Islam saved my life it helped me respect my self, it helped me to respect my mother, it stopped me from drinking so much, it stopped me from so many things that could have easily ruined my life I am so grateful that Allah chose me and guided me to Islam!

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Life in Saudi Arabia

national day here in Saudi Arabia.

It's been a year in 4 months today since I have came to Saudi Arabia, and so much has changed, I know I have been pretty lazy on writing anything on here so I'm sorry for anyone who has been following my blogs.
many questions I always hear from people are these and thought I'd address them.

"which do you like living better in America or Saudi Arabia"
"Has moving to another country been easier to learn arabic"
"how was it giving birth there?"
"what are the things you miss most from America?"
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Firstly I will answer the first question, Where do I like living more in America or Saudi Arabia? well every country is going to have its fair share of problems you can ether nit pick at everything or learn to accept the imperfections of the home you choose to live in. 1. I love Saudi Arabia as you all already know  but for anyone from Saudi Arabia who has traveled outside there country knows how a proper system is and how much more comfortable it is to have an actual fixed system, such as a decent Traffic laws,hospital system, customer service mind you though Saudi Arabia is an 82 year old country that is still developing so I have faith in its potential.

The only complaints I have about Saudi Arabia is this, it's one of the richest countries in the world and yet the roads are poorly made with cheap quality this is the fault of the companies mind you not the government this is one of the many issues here besides the fact that many cities rely on water tanks,gas tanks and some do not have internet access still and the poor hospital service and the cleansing-less of the country the first thought that comes to mind as an American living here is this is the richest country in the world and yet this is how things are here Dubai is a much younger country and very wealthy and look at where they are???
 I know you ask if I think like this then why do I live here? well as I said its a young country and it will get there insha'allah so which do I love to live more?
If Saudi Arabia had the systems like in the western countries then it would be more enjoyable and if America had the religion Saudi Arabia has it would be more enjoyable so there really isn't an easy way to answer and to be frank I love both for how they are ether developed or under developed I came to Saudi Arabia because I love the people and the culture and I can handle and deal past the imperfections I love America because it's my country and my family are there but I also love Saudi Arabia because the people here are the family who will always be there "islamicly speaking"

This is the crazy traffic I'm talking about!!!

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second question, Has moving here helped improve my Arabic?:

well yes and no! I have gained a few more words here and there I have memorized the numbers in Arabic but I don't get out much here and having 3 kids now it makes it kind of difficult to do much around here, I know it really isn't much of an excuse but it is what it is for me and insha'allah I will learn.

 All though I don't know much Arabic here your forced to learn which can be ether a good thing or the "culture shock" some warned me about, to be honest I'm still waiting for the culture shock to set in I think the only struggle in this country is not knowing how to communicate well, even though I do not speak arabic something I have realized is when people speak here they use a lot of hand gestures and that helps a lot when I am listening to someone talk to me.

like for example this picture of this hand gesture, it can have a couple of meanings to it one meaning, "wait" or it can mean as a friend told me "your gonna get it" or "your dead" well not literally dead but your gonna get your bum whooped lol.

I feel like it's going to take me a life time to learn Arabic many people such as my  neighbors who are good people always want me to come and join the for coffee or tea but I always feel shy because I don't speak arabic and feel it will be awkward but I guess the only way to break this barrier and to learn is to join the people I love so much! Insha'allah soon I'll be taking classes so I can learn to speak better Insha'allah.
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Third question, How was giving birth here?: well for those who do not know me or have been following me yes I have given birth to a little boy who we called Sulaiman very healthy alhumdullilah and he's growing so quickly masha'allah, anyways the birth story :) as many of you have been waiting...

I was honestly really terrified of delivering here because I have heard so many horror stories like for example the husband not being allowed in the delivery room with me, another is from a friend who was delivering her first baby and asked for an epidural and was given the wrong anesthetic an was given something that paralyzed her for a ceserian section learning this terrified me, so I made it my goal that I would have a drug free labor and that my husband "Will" be in the room with me!!!  my husband works in the hospital so it was kind of easy of getting what I wanted as many know here in Saudi Arabia in order to get something that can be sometimes impossible is you have to have a "wasta" to get around here meaning "influence or someone who can pull strings for you".

 My arrival at the hospital was very different  compared how it would be in America in America you go directly to the maternity ward and they just take you into delivery as your information is already gathered prior to being admitted, here they take vitals and take finger prints  like they would normally do after you deliver your baby and  ask the basic questions the pain from 1-10 me thinking lady i'm in labor the pain is 100 just get me into delivery as I'm crying in pain in the lobby and people are looking like is she going to die? lol an as I get to the doors of delivery I stopped them from wheeling me in and I said " I want my husband to come with me I wont go if he cant" they assured me he would be in there with me but had to get me prepared first.

well  I went into the hospital around 2am by time I got back to delivery room I was dilated to 5cm when they then broke my water with my constant crying the nurses kept insisting me to get an epidural for the pain, I got so mad at them that I literally threw the throw up container on the floor because they kept telling me to get it, anyways after being checked for my dilation and after my water being broken the doctor left the room and I felt the urge to push I went from 5cm to fully dilated in seconds and surprised the nurse who delivered me it was only 2 pushes and my little boy was born at 4am healthy alhumdullilah at 6lbs 3oz.delivery was no big deal the biggest issue was the thought of having to share a room with someone else, alhumdullilah that my husband working in the hospital he was able to get me a room to myself that I didn't have to share with anyone which was the best thing ever because I honestly couldn't imagine sharing a room let a lone the bathroom or shower and having to wait for who ever it is to finish from the bathroom, was it a nice room? not the best but it was comfortable so thank God for everything....
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The last question, what things do I miss most from home?:
what are some of the things I miss? well mostly my family I miss them a lot I miss not being able to call when ever I want and visit them when I want that is the biggest thing I miss, and then there are the things that many people complain and take for granted once they don't have them well some do  but not everyone....

something I miss a lot is the snow....

like one thing I miss the snow so much a few days after I left to come to Saudi Arabia it snowed everywhere I was so disappointed I was hopping for at least to be snowed in at the airport, when I visited America in October it snowed a few days after I came back to Saudi Arabia from my visit and to be honest I'm pretty jealous of America's winter this year  lol I would have been so thrilled to have all the snow they had this year but then again I didn't have to deal with it so maybe it would be different if I had to be there for it all.
 Another thing I miss is the rain the number of times I have seen rain here are literally a countable many times probably about 4 times have I seen it rain and not much but when it rains it floods pretty bad because of the lack of the proper drainage and sewage system here the last thing I miss here is of course all of the fast food and restaurants in America but you know slowly Saudi Arabia has started getting some of my favorite restaurants such as "Ihop" I was so excited the first thing I wanted to order was something that had "Ham,bacon, and sausage" its been such a long time to have all 3 in one plate and it was pretty enjoyable even though the bacon was a bit chewy lol...

I also miss all the couponing I used to do I always loved trying to find a good deal to dropping prices or to getting stuff for free here its kind of hard to order stuff and have it sent to your house since there is no address system here yet insha'allah they do this soon it would be really nice to be able to order a pizza or Chinese and have it delivered to your door :)

how it looks after an hour of rain..

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So those are the answers I am asked frequently and thought i'd take the time to answer them, I'm moving to another city next week called "Al-khobar" which is 4 hours away from the capital "Riyadh" and closer to another country called "Bahrain" which I kind of look forward to I hear they have cinemas there and there are a lot of Americans and westerners there so it would be nice to visit insha'allah I will also be closer to a dear from who lives in Riyadh who I haven't seen in 6 years so it will be nice to catch up on everything.
We have so much to do once we move that's one of the things I hate about moving is 1 the packing and we are flying instead of driving this time so hopefully it will be an easy transition because we will be looking for a preschool for my oldest and I'm kind of ready for that but at the same time Im going to miss him a lot as much as he drives me crazy throughout the day,but over all I am really enjoying my life here in Saudi Arabia Alhumdullilah a lot of heartaches and struggles but that's the way life is always full of ups and downs but best thing is to keep faith in Allah which is something I try very hard to do.
Alhumdullilah for everything I really love life here!

I'm in love with the beautiful architecture here ...

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A new beginning

It's been a long time since  I have written a current blog I apologize to any of my friends and followers who have been patiently waiting, so much has happened that life just became life and to busy to write a single letter....

Since my last blog I wrote about my first experience of Ramadan since from then on out and even before hand has been a long struggle of heartache and drama. I found out I was pregnant a few days Ramadan had started for those who have known me know that my relationship hasn't been a very rosy start here in Saudi Arabia due a lot of lack of communication and understanding from one another, to the point it caused us to literally come to the point of separation from all the fighting I felt resistant towards my husband I couldn't stand him and couldn't wait to get away from him we fell so far apart from one another I had went back to America an plan to just stay there and never return everything fell apart so bad that I had stopped literally praying.

I did how ever return to America it was the most bitter sweet moment I can ever hold on to that I wish I could just always rewind and go back to when I feel lonely, leaving Saudi Arabia was hard because 1.I had to leave my children and that was extremely tough on me many may criticize the fact that I left to America leaving my kids behind  because of all the problems but you know what they don't know what was going on so what they think and feel doesn't phase me a bit everything became such a blur in my life that I felt I could no longer think my head was so clouded with all the mess that it just became such a toxic environment that I needed the break from my kids and my marriage so I could just finally think and just relax. Leaving the airport in Saudi Arabia was hard the last moments with my kids I remember walking to leave to get my passport stamped to exit saudi Arabia and I can hear my son Sultan saying "Mama, don't leave me here" broke my heart I could not help but fight the tears but let them flow as I got onto the airplane but all in the end the space I had was the medicine that I needed....

The 14 hour flight back home was worth every second and hour just to see my mom and wrap my hands around her and to hold and smell her to tell her how much I loved and missed her I held her so tight that I can still feel her warmth. that was just the icing on the cake the most beautiful moment is that nether of my sisters knew that I was coming home so when arriving home my baby sister who I am very much close to she came to the side of the car to get her daughter she didn't know I was in the back the expression on her face will always be implanted in my memory and heart I held her and she held me so tight crying like best friends have been torn apart for years. I stayed with my family for a good long month which was really the medicine that I really needed from all the heartache from Saudi we had so much fun together.

 My sisters an family we spent as much time together as we could a month goes by so quickly. My sister and I we enjoyed a sister day in Toledo Ohio which is where I used to live when living before it was nice to be back home and around people you knew we had a nice lunch and shopping spree at the mall I used to work at. My mom an I we got to tour one of the candy factories in my home town called "spanglers" they're known for there lolipops called "dum dum pops, and candy canes" and many other candies that I didn't know that they made, it was nice to be able to see a piece of history from where you come from from all the years I lived in my hometown you could always smell the sweet smell of the lolipops being cooked throughout the town I still have a nice supply of candy canes :) thanks mom! lol. before leaving home we all had a final dinner together at a restaurant called Buffalo wild wings I think its called that was fun not so much the part where they told everyone it was my birthday I had a bunch of people circling my table and realizing what was going on I think I ducked my head so low to the table I think it was almost under the table from embarrassment lol but it was a lot of fun I enjoyed every moment of it then my 2 sisters and I we went to go watch a movie called "bad grandpa" note: don't watch it the name speaks for its-self its bad lol!!! but the sister bonding time was really nice especially the night before I had to leave America to return to Saudi Arabia...

leaving America and my family and only keeping the memories we made while staying home was such a bitter sweet moment and at the same time enjoyable while we sat together waiting for me to depart.... arriving at the airport was a nice little ride, learning about the overweight charges of my bags I think I still left part of my stomach back home with the shock of the price, they wanted 400.00 for over weight fees  I looked at my mom in disbelief and sadness in the end I ended up taking out a bunch of stuff from my bags and left it back home to be sent back to me in Saudi Arabia so in the end it worked out I only had to pay 100.00 extra for the second back I already knew it was going to be a long flight back home I had to catch 2 other planes prior to the one I was getting on and then get on another one later the night I arrived to Saudi Arabia and then another the next night. while waiting for me to leave my sisters and I enjoyed taking multiple pictures of each other an enjoying the last moments we had together it was such a painful heartbreaking moment when It came to the time of leaving I miss them all so much I hugged everyone but hugged my baby sister last it was like dying and saying goodbye I love and miss her so much well all of my family I miss them more then they'll ever know....

Coming back to Saudi Arabia was a happy and kind of an uncertain journey of what to expect, I still didn't know if I wanted to continue my relationship in my marriage I knew I wanted to be with my kids I missed them so much but sometimes I wondered if maybe my kids would be better without me since I have so many episodes of anger,and depression an many times I don't know how to deal with it an they pay the price of not having there mommy taking care of them the way they deserve I feel bad and still do and think many times I'm just an awful mother... seeing my kids after a month was a very enjoyable moment I had missed them so much and was so excited to see there faces light up when they seen all the stuff I brought back for them from America.

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