My Journey to Islam ...

My Journey to Islam

Hi, My name is Autumn I’m also known as  Sahar! I was born August 17,1983 In Bryan Ohio, Born to my single mother  Debbie Clauson. I grew up most of my life in Ohio I was a raised Christian in the Church of Christ, I always went to church with my mom, I grew up singing songs praising Jesus known to me then as the Son of God and praising him for dying for our sin. I really enjoyed those times going to church going to youth groups, camps among other Christian teens and children learning about the word of God!

Being raised Christian was easy I could do whatever I want and all I needed to do is pray to Jesus to forgive my sins! But something that I never understood Is why do I have to pray to Jesus to forgive my sins in order to get to God? I remember asking my mom and other people, and they would tell me you cannot question what God says you have to accept it women are not allowed to speak out in the church during services so I never asked anymore after that but there was always that wonder of why and so many other questions I had to ask but I wasn’t allowed to ask and when I did ask I was left more confused before I asked, Like Where did God Come from?, Why do I have to Pray to Jesus in order to get to God why can’t I talk to him directly? Why would someone else pay for my sins that I committed, and most of all how does God die? And God, Jesus, holy spirit =1?.

  As I got older my independents grew and choosing my own life style and ways also grew! I was learning about different things about cultures, Religion, life styles, Political senesce. And I was very curious to where I fit in and what made sense! So I started with Religion. I never knew there were so many different religions but I thought ok Jesus was a Jew so I will start with learning about that. And thought Is Autumn a Jew? But when I asked other Jews about Judaism and how I can become a Jew they told me I could not I had to be born a Jew so I then knew that Autumn was not meant to be a Jew.

 I then came to other beliefs such as Satanic or Wicca and I was drawn to it but didn’t know the dangers of it! A friend of mine I went to school with was into Wicca and satanic worship and she had what they called the Satanic bible as I read I was curious to know more I unfortunately cannot remember what was read and really don’t want to remember all I remember about learning about that is going to sleep and seeing a dark shadow in my closet telling me to come to him, and my friend told me that It was Satan telling me to come to him after that I had no desire to learn more about religion!.

In the year of 2001 I became pretty distant and not sure on what to do with my life I worked, went to school came home and that was pretty much it. I watched my sisters tried to help my mom out as much as I could and felt that I wasn’t going anywhere, in sorting out what type of life am I going to live!  I suddenly started to have weird dreams that I didn’t know what they meant I then had a dream. I was standing in front of a black cube and a man had come to me and said I want to invite you to Islam, after that dream I ignored it until September 11th happened. After that I remembered the dream and was like I don’t want to be a part of a religion that kills innocent people I was planning to go into the U.S. Army  I had already taking my tests to join all I needed to do is take my final test and sign on the dotted line and I was in after 9/11 It was the encouragment ! then at work one day I had become friends with a person who was from Iran I didn’t care much of him because of what I was seeing and hearing on T.V. and I remember him saying don’t believe everything you hear on the T.V. it’s not what it always seems! And I remember saying to him “of course you would say that your one of them”. After 9/11 I kept having dreams about Islam things I had no idea what they were about I tried to ignore them but I couldn’t! So I decided ok the media is saying Islam is so horrible and I wanted to see what was so horrible about this religion! So I finally had access to a computer at school and my mom had gotten us a computer for the home so I went to chat rooms asking about Islam and I remember thinking to myself  I’m going to be a good Christian and lead Muslims to Christianity! But when it came to debates I could never answer their questions but they were able to answer all the questions I had as a Christian from explaining to me that only Allah can forgive your sins not a man and remember him asking me how does God die?!  after these talks I became confused on what to believe because all I knew was what I grew up on learning in Christianity.

 I had kept getting these dreams about Islam and they just would not go away and I knew that Islam was not what it appeared to be talked about on the T.V. 1 year later after 9.11  on September 12th 2002 I remember it was at night and I was in a chat room on Aol at the time it was called Koran and I remember saying I want to become Muslim but I don’t know what to do. And a woman had messaged me and said if you want to become Muslim I can help you and said I need ur number so that I can call you and have the Iman talk with you and I said ok.  I gave her my number my heart beat so heavily waiting for her call and she called me and said this is the Imam he will talk to you from here and he explained to me the 5 pillars of Islam and what is expected of me to be a Muslim and asked me do you still believe and want to be Muslim, and I said Yes. And he said to repeat after me “Ash hadu lailaha Illallah wa ashadu ana muhamadan rasullilah” and then had me say it again n English “I bear witness that there is no God but God and Muhammad is his messenger” and he then after that had said to me sister you are now Muslim and from here on out you have no sins you are clean as the day you are born and I suggest you to take a shower and sleep! I did as he advised when I had slept I had another dream that night this time I was in front of the same black cube I had dreamed of before and the man i had seen in the dream approached me and smiled to me masha’allah sister welcome after that dream I had woke up and I had felt as if something had lifted from me I felt so different and at peace.

Ever since that day I have studied so hard and read and learned so much on how much dedication and commitment it takes to be a Muslim. Throughout the years I have met so many different people from different countries that have helped me become the person I am today.  Islam saved my life it helped me respect my self, it helped me to respect my mother, it stopped me from drinking so much, it stopped me from so many things that could have easily ruined my life I am so grateful that Allah chose me and guided me to Islam!

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Life in Saudi Arabia

national day here in Saudi Arabia.

It's been a year in 4 months today since I have came to Saudi Arabia, and so much has changed, I know I have been pretty lazy on writing anything on here so I'm sorry for anyone who has been following my blogs.
many questions I always hear from people are these and thought I'd address them.

"which do you like living better in America or Saudi Arabia"
"Has moving to another country been easier to learn arabic"
"how was it giving birth there?"
"what are the things you miss most from America?"
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Firstly I will answer the first question, Where do I like living more in America or Saudi Arabia? well every country is going to have its fair share of problems you can ether nit pick at everything or learn to accept the imperfections of the home you choose to live in. 1. I love Saudi Arabia as you all already know  but for anyone from Saudi Arabia who has traveled outside there country knows how a proper system is and how much more comfortable it is to have an actual fixed system, such as a decent Traffic laws,hospital system, customer service mind you though Saudi Arabia is an 82 year old country that is still developing so I have faith in its potential.

The only complaints I have about Saudi Arabia is this, it's one of the richest countries in the world and yet the roads are poorly made with cheap quality this is the fault of the companies mind you not the government this is one of the many issues here besides the fact that many cities rely on water tanks,gas tanks and some do not have internet access still and the poor hospital service and the cleansing-less of the country the first thought that comes to mind as an American living here is this is the richest country in the world and yet this is how things are here Dubai is a much younger country and very wealthy and look at where they are???
 I know you ask if I think like this then why do I live here? well as I said its a young country and it will get there insha'allah so which do I love to live more?
If Saudi Arabia had the systems like in the western countries then it would be more enjoyable and if America had the religion Saudi Arabia has it would be more enjoyable so there really isn't an easy way to answer and to be frank I love both for how they are ether developed or under developed I came to Saudi Arabia because I love the people and the culture and I can handle and deal past the imperfections I love America because it's my country and my family are there but I also love Saudi Arabia because the people here are the family who will always be there "islamicly speaking"

This is the crazy traffic I'm talking about!!!

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second question, Has moving here helped improve my Arabic?:

well yes and no! I have gained a few more words here and there I have memorized the numbers in Arabic but I don't get out much here and having 3 kids now it makes it kind of difficult to do much around here, I know it really isn't much of an excuse but it is what it is for me and insha'allah I will learn.

 All though I don't know much Arabic here your forced to learn which can be ether a good thing or the "culture shock" some warned me about, to be honest I'm still waiting for the culture shock to set in I think the only struggle in this country is not knowing how to communicate well, even though I do not speak arabic something I have realized is when people speak here they use a lot of hand gestures and that helps a lot when I am listening to someone talk to me.

like for example this picture of this hand gesture, it can have a couple of meanings to it one meaning, "wait" or it can mean as a friend told me "your gonna get it" or "your dead" well not literally dead but your gonna get your bum whooped lol.

I feel like it's going to take me a life time to learn Arabic many people such as my  neighbors who are good people always want me to come and join the for coffee or tea but I always feel shy because I don't speak arabic and feel it will be awkward but I guess the only way to break this barrier and to learn is to join the people I love so much! Insha'allah soon I'll be taking classes so I can learn to speak better Insha'allah.
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Third question, How was giving birth here?: well for those who do not know me or have been following me yes I have given birth to a little boy who we called Sulaiman very healthy alhumdullilah and he's growing so quickly masha'allah, anyways the birth story :) as many of you have been waiting...

I was honestly really terrified of delivering here because I have heard so many horror stories like for example the husband not being allowed in the delivery room with me, another is from a friend who was delivering her first baby and asked for an epidural and was given the wrong anesthetic an was given something that paralyzed her for a ceserian section learning this terrified me, so I made it my goal that I would have a drug free labor and that my husband "Will" be in the room with me!!!  my husband works in the hospital so it was kind of easy of getting what I wanted as many know here in Saudi Arabia in order to get something that can be sometimes impossible is you have to have a "wasta" to get around here meaning "influence or someone who can pull strings for you".

 My arrival at the hospital was very different  compared how it would be in America in America you go directly to the maternity ward and they just take you into delivery as your information is already gathered prior to being admitted, here they take vitals and take finger prints  like they would normally do after you deliver your baby and  ask the basic questions the pain from 1-10 me thinking lady i'm in labor the pain is 100 just get me into delivery as I'm crying in pain in the lobby and people are looking like is she going to die? lol an as I get to the doors of delivery I stopped them from wheeling me in and I said " I want my husband to come with me I wont go if he cant" they assured me he would be in there with me but had to get me prepared first.

well  I went into the hospital around 2am by time I got back to delivery room I was dilated to 5cm when they then broke my water with my constant crying the nurses kept insisting me to get an epidural for the pain, I got so mad at them that I literally threw the throw up container on the floor because they kept telling me to get it, anyways after being checked for my dilation and after my water being broken the doctor left the room and I felt the urge to push I went from 5cm to fully dilated in seconds and surprised the nurse who delivered me it was only 2 pushes and my little boy was born at 4am healthy alhumdullilah at 6lbs 3oz.delivery was no big deal the biggest issue was the thought of having to share a room with someone else, alhumdullilah that my husband working in the hospital he was able to get me a room to myself that I didn't have to share with anyone which was the best thing ever because I honestly couldn't imagine sharing a room let a lone the bathroom or shower and having to wait for who ever it is to finish from the bathroom, was it a nice room? not the best but it was comfortable so thank God for everything....
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The last question, what things do I miss most from home?:
what are some of the things I miss? well mostly my family I miss them a lot I miss not being able to call when ever I want and visit them when I want that is the biggest thing I miss, and then there are the things that many people complain and take for granted once they don't have them well some do  but not everyone....

something I miss a lot is the snow....

like one thing I miss the snow so much a few days after I left to come to Saudi Arabia it snowed everywhere I was so disappointed I was hopping for at least to be snowed in at the airport, when I visited America in October it snowed a few days after I came back to Saudi Arabia from my visit and to be honest I'm pretty jealous of America's winter this year  lol I would have been so thrilled to have all the snow they had this year but then again I didn't have to deal with it so maybe it would be different if I had to be there for it all.
 Another thing I miss is the rain the number of times I have seen rain here are literally a countable many times probably about 4 times have I seen it rain and not much but when it rains it floods pretty bad because of the lack of the proper drainage and sewage system here the last thing I miss here is of course all of the fast food and restaurants in America but you know slowly Saudi Arabia has started getting some of my favorite restaurants such as "Ihop" I was so excited the first thing I wanted to order was something that had "Ham,bacon, and sausage" its been such a long time to have all 3 in one plate and it was pretty enjoyable even though the bacon was a bit chewy lol...

I also miss all the couponing I used to do I always loved trying to find a good deal to dropping prices or to getting stuff for free here its kind of hard to order stuff and have it sent to your house since there is no address system here yet insha'allah they do this soon it would be really nice to be able to order a pizza or Chinese and have it delivered to your door :)

how it looks after an hour of rain..

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So those are the answers I am asked frequently and thought i'd take the time to answer them, I'm moving to another city next week called "Al-khobar" which is 4 hours away from the capital "Riyadh" and closer to another country called "Bahrain" which I kind of look forward to I hear they have cinemas there and there are a lot of Americans and westerners there so it would be nice to visit insha'allah I will also be closer to a dear from who lives in Riyadh who I haven't seen in 6 years so it will be nice to catch up on everything.
We have so much to do once we move that's one of the things I hate about moving is 1 the packing and we are flying instead of driving this time so hopefully it will be an easy transition because we will be looking for a preschool for my oldest and I'm kind of ready for that but at the same time Im going to miss him a lot as much as he drives me crazy throughout the day,but over all I am really enjoying my life here in Saudi Arabia Alhumdullilah a lot of heartaches and struggles but that's the way life is always full of ups and downs but best thing is to keep faith in Allah which is something I try very hard to do.
Alhumdullilah for everything I really love life here!

I'm in love with the beautiful architecture here ...

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A new beginning

It's been a long time since  I have written a current blog I apologize to any of my friends and followers who have been patiently waiting, so much has happened that life just became life and to busy to write a single letter....

Since my last blog I wrote about my first experience of Ramadan since from then on out and even before hand has been a long struggle of heartache and drama. I found out I was pregnant a few days Ramadan had started for those who have known me know that my relationship hasn't been a very rosy start here in Saudi Arabia due a lot of lack of communication and understanding from one another, to the point it caused us to literally come to the point of separation from all the fighting I felt resistant towards my husband I couldn't stand him and couldn't wait to get away from him we fell so far apart from one another I had went back to America an plan to just stay there and never return everything fell apart so bad that I had stopped literally praying.

I did how ever return to America it was the most bitter sweet moment I can ever hold on to that I wish I could just always rewind and go back to when I feel lonely, leaving Saudi Arabia was hard because 1.I had to leave my children and that was extremely tough on me many may criticize the fact that I left to America leaving my kids behind  because of all the problems but you know what they don't know what was going on so what they think and feel doesn't phase me a bit everything became such a blur in my life that I felt I could no longer think my head was so clouded with all the mess that it just became such a toxic environment that I needed the break from my kids and my marriage so I could just finally think and just relax. Leaving the airport in Saudi Arabia was hard the last moments with my kids I remember walking to leave to get my passport stamped to exit saudi Arabia and I can hear my son Sultan saying "Mama, don't leave me here" broke my heart I could not help but fight the tears but let them flow as I got onto the airplane but all in the end the space I had was the medicine that I needed....

The 14 hour flight back home was worth every second and hour just to see my mom and wrap my hands around her and to hold and smell her to tell her how much I loved and missed her I held her so tight that I can still feel her warmth. that was just the icing on the cake the most beautiful moment is that nether of my sisters knew that I was coming home so when arriving home my baby sister who I am very much close to she came to the side of the car to get her daughter she didn't know I was in the back the expression on her face will always be implanted in my memory and heart I held her and she held me so tight crying like best friends have been torn apart for years. I stayed with my family for a good long month which was really the medicine that I really needed from all the heartache from Saudi we had so much fun together.

 My sisters an family we spent as much time together as we could a month goes by so quickly. My sister and I we enjoyed a sister day in Toledo Ohio which is where I used to live when living before it was nice to be back home and around people you knew we had a nice lunch and shopping spree at the mall I used to work at. My mom an I we got to tour one of the candy factories in my home town called "spanglers" they're known for there lolipops called "dum dum pops, and candy canes" and many other candies that I didn't know that they made, it was nice to be able to see a piece of history from where you come from from all the years I lived in my hometown you could always smell the sweet smell of the lolipops being cooked throughout the town I still have a nice supply of candy canes :) thanks mom! lol. before leaving home we all had a final dinner together at a restaurant called Buffalo wild wings I think its called that was fun not so much the part where they told everyone it was my birthday I had a bunch of people circling my table and realizing what was going on I think I ducked my head so low to the table I think it was almost under the table from embarrassment lol but it was a lot of fun I enjoyed every moment of it then my 2 sisters and I we went to go watch a movie called "bad grandpa" note: don't watch it the name speaks for its-self its bad lol!!! but the sister bonding time was really nice especially the night before I had to leave America to return to Saudi Arabia...

leaving America and my family and only keeping the memories we made while staying home was such a bitter sweet moment and at the same time enjoyable while we sat together waiting for me to depart.... arriving at the airport was a nice little ride, learning about the overweight charges of my bags I think I still left part of my stomach back home with the shock of the price, they wanted 400.00 for over weight fees  I looked at my mom in disbelief and sadness in the end I ended up taking out a bunch of stuff from my bags and left it back home to be sent back to me in Saudi Arabia so in the end it worked out I only had to pay 100.00 extra for the second back I already knew it was going to be a long flight back home I had to catch 2 other planes prior to the one I was getting on and then get on another one later the night I arrived to Saudi Arabia and then another the next night. while waiting for me to leave my sisters and I enjoyed taking multiple pictures of each other an enjoying the last moments we had together it was such a painful heartbreaking moment when It came to the time of leaving I miss them all so much I hugged everyone but hugged my baby sister last it was like dying and saying goodbye I love and miss her so much well all of my family I miss them more then they'll ever know....

Coming back to Saudi Arabia was a happy and kind of an uncertain journey of what to expect, I still didn't know if I wanted to continue my relationship in my marriage I knew I wanted to be with my kids I missed them so much but sometimes I wondered if maybe my kids would be better without me since I have so many episodes of anger,and depression an many times I don't know how to deal with it an they pay the price of not having there mommy taking care of them the way they deserve I feel bad and still do and think many times I'm just an awful mother... seeing my kids after a month was a very enjoyable moment I had missed them so much and was so excited to see there faces light up when they seen all the stuff I brought back for them from America.

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